There is no excuse for this one. No, not even loneliness and desperation. This one I brought onto myself and what I learned is that having a date with a man who gets on your nerves from the get go is a bad idea.

        5StarLover: Hiya, how u doin.
        PinkParanoia: fine
        5StarLover: give me ur number.
        PinkParanoia: I’m sorry, but I prefer men who can spell.
        5StarLover: Just gimme ur number. I talk better than write.
        PinkParanoia: No kidding.
        5StarLover: The number?
        PinkParanoia: Giving out my phone number in a first chat is like fucking on a first date.

He signs off and comes back five minutes later.
        5StarLover: Guess what, this is our second chat.

I have a strict no blocking policy. I ask him to please go away. I ignore him. He keeps coming back until I break down.
        PinkParanoia: 0555 789 4231 – but don’t call now. I’m at work.
        My mobile rings a second later. He leaves a message to call back, which I don’t.

He calls again Saturday afternoon. With a high pitched voice he speaks as obnoxiously as he types. Straight away he invites me to come to his house.
        ‘Nothing sinister – I just feel more relaxed in my own home.’
        When that almost makes me slam down the phone he tries another tactic.
        ‘Be spontaneous. What have you got to lose? Meet me at the Ritz in two hours.’
        What have I got to lose? If anything he can be a pleasant surprise. I shouldn’t be so judgmental. It is not nice to dislike a man I don't know and my gut instincts have fooled me before. Give fate a chance. Be spontaneous. I have no other plans for tonight. What else is there to do but dress up, pile on the make-up and go to town?
        And – I’ve never been to the Ritz before.

He is not just a midget. He barely goes up to my knees. When he sinks into one of the wide, soft benches of the Ritz bar his feet lose touch with the ground and his legs stick into the air like the legs of a stuffed animal placed on a chair.
        His hands and fingers are tiny like a Barbie doll’s. His face is pretty in a symmetric, clean-cut sort of way. He is immaculately shaved; the white skin of his face is shiny and sticky and smells of sweet perfume. His dark blue suit and light blue and purple tie look expensive and brand new. I had no idea they did designer clothes in children’s sizes.
        ‘My ex-wife is very tall,’ he says. ‘She didn’t mind that I’m … erm … .’
        She didn’t mind him being a garden gnome? Why the hell did he let her go?
        He shows me pictures of his three kids. Envy makes me shtumm. No amount of creepiness can stop people from getting married and procreate.
        More pictures. Of the five-bedroom house he lives in, and the one he bought for the ex.
        ‘See, this is where we could be sitting right now. I’ve made more money than I can spend. Maybe because I’m short.’
        I’m sorry he had to become a millionaire to compensate for his miniature shrimp stature but I have no energy to be his analyst.
        ‘Now I want to find my spiritual side. Selling electronics did not really bring that out.’
        What can I say?
        ‘You seem like somebody who could help me bring out my spiritual side.’
        He goes on and on; doesn’t seem to mind holding a monologue until he suddenly slaps his thighs with both hands and cries out: ‘What next? What next?’
        I shrug.
        We take turns staring at the ceiling in uncomfortable silence and hold onto our eighteen-pound cocktails.
        ‘Now I know,’ he shouts and looks at me triumphantly. ‘Tell me your biggest dream!’
        I shake my head.
        ‘Your innermost secret?’ he tries.
        More head shaking.
        ‘The worst lie you ever told?’ he implores.
        I don’t have the heart to get up and leave, so we sit it out until our glasses are empty. I politely decline a second drink.

He calls the moment we have finished saying goodbyeandnicemeeting.
        Only the next morning do I feel strong enough to listen to his message.
        ‘Great meeting you. Great. I think you have the potential of helping me find my spiritual side. I’m of course eager to know your verdict. It is not always easy to guess what the other person thinks of oneself.’
        I cannot bring myself to call back. I just cannot.

He appears online the next day.
        5StarLover: Hi, u did not reply so I guess u r not interested. But I do have a friend on here, who would like 2 meet u.
        PinkParanoia: If he is on this page, can he not contact me himself?
        5StarLover: I deleted ur number so if u want him 2 call u, u would have 2 give me ur number again.
        PinkParanoia: I guess I will have to learn to live without your friend.
        5StarLover: He would b perfect 4 u.
        PinkParanoia: you should not have deleted my number then.
        5StarLover has declined to respond to your instant message and is not accepting further messages at this time

The last sentence is a message from Matchnet.com indicating that the Date from Hell has added me to his blocked/unwanted list. I sigh with relief, but also feel sorry for the man.
        Maybe I should have called back and communicated better. Maybe I should have been clearer. And kinder.
        But does failure to express disinterest really excuse the following?

        5StarLover: I recon u've got little or no chance of meeting someone on this site, it's all about connecting and networking . . . I offered 2 give u the phone number of a "suitable" friend but u suggested HE made contact with u himself ! . . . sorry, but he spent the whole night speaking 2 another friend of mine (Simone), they r seeing each other 2n8. It's a shame really. I think he was IDEAL for u.
        PinkParanoia: Why are you so worried about me?
        5StarLover: Not worried about u . . . I hardly know u !!!!!
        PinkParanoia: Then why do you try to set me up with your friend?
         5StarLover: maybe I'm just a nice person . . .
        PinkParanoia: And what are you doing here if there is no chance of meeting anyone?
        5StarLover: YOU have "little or no chance . . . ", not me !!!
        PinkParanoia: Then why do you keep contacting me?
        5StarLover: I don't "keep" contacting u, I've IM'ed u TWICE !!!! But I think ur attitude yesterday was RIDICULOUS
        PinkParanoia: Look, I know it is hard to be rejected.
        5StarLover: I've not been "rejected" . . . it's my friend who u rejected (without knowing anything about him)
        PinkParanoia: tell him I hope he can deal with rejection from somebody he doesn’t know.
        5StarLover: maybe ur really paranoid
        5StarLover has declined to respond to your instant message and is not accepting further messages at this time

I no longer feel sorry for him.
        And so the next day:

        5StarLover: I hear from a few friends of mine u contacted that ur social skills haven’t improved
        PinkParanoia: is that so?
        5StarLover: try anger management
        PinkParanoia: it didn’t work
        5StarLover: then suicide may be ur only option
        PinkParanoia: you are so kind
        5StarLover: oh well, shame ur so shallow
        PinkParanoia: and ugly – don’t forget ugly.
        5StarLover: maybe u could try again with me after u've undergone plastic surgery & a few years of counselling
        PinkParanoia: there is no chance - I am just not good enough for you
        5StarLover: and sex therapy
        PinkParanoia: you think that works?
        5StarLover: not sure, never needed it, have a very high sex drive without it
        PinkParanoia: I would do all the surgery and counselling in the world for you if you could do one thing for me
        5StarLover: and that is?
        PinkParanoia: be two feet taller.
        5StarLover has declined to respond to your instant message and is not accepting further messages at this time

The End.